Tonight, at Tayla’s birthday party, Tehani was playing and laughing, and jumping around at the Jungle House. She was loving all the attention that she was getting, but I was afraid that she was getting too loud so I tried to tell her to stop, but she just wasn’t hearing me, so I rose my voice and that was my big mistake. Tehani started crying and it wasn’t just one of those bratty cries, it was a real cry. I recognized it right away and it brought me back to the days when I was attention starved from my brothers and their friends, and all I wanted was to be a part of their company and instead of being welcomed in, I was humiliated and made fun of by my brothers. I felt terrible! She had begun to cry uncontrollably from the get-go and all because I was afraid of what others might think. I thought, maybe they won’t understand that she’s showing her confidence and she just got comfortable with them and I, her mother, just brought her down from that. I clearly remember feeling the humiliation and that’s something I have never stopped fearing. I’ve learned to deal with it a bit, or hide it, but I haven’t fully let go of it. UGH! I’m pissed off with myself! I just think there was a better way of handling that situation and I chose to be the jerk! I just feel I’m being counter-productive. That all of this upbringing will just backfire on me and I would have failed. That’s normal, I think. I doubt I’m the only one who thinks that way. My poor Tehani. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
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